What should I do if I hate my wife?
Share with your partner how the lack of sexual intimacy makes you feel and explore what's causing it. Perhaps your partner hasn't realized how important it is, perhaps they don't feel emotionally connected to you, or perhaps they have unhealed sexual trauma from their past.
When no sex occurs in a marriage it impacts the low libido partner much differently than the high libido partner. On average, no sex doesn't impact the low libido partner, because they're low libido. And because they're low libido, sex isn't on their mind very much so they can go for extended periods of time without ever thinking about it. They may notice a lack of closeness here and there, but on average, it doesn't really faze them. However, men with high libidos in a sexless marriage can quickly start feeling like they hate their wife.
A lot of you know the story regarding my wife and how she was raised with extensive sexual trauma. She was repeatedly exposed to sexual activity against her will and it created a deep disgust within her towards sex. And then her first boyfriend at 14 took her virginity, used her for sex, then cheated on her. So, her developmental years around sex were extremely traumatic. Unfortunately, her unhealed trauma carried right into our marriage, making her avoid sex at all costs. As the high libido partner, her avoiding sex devastated me and it crippled our relationship. She felt unsafe to me because of the continual rejection and I seemed unsafe to her because I desired sex, which reminded her of the perpetrators she was raised with. As our marriage was hanging on by a thread, we finally reached out for intensive marriage counseling and after several years we finally healed most of the sexual dysfunction in our relationship.
So, I can personally relate to what it feels like being the high libido partner in a sex starved marriage.
I Hate My Wife | 6 Impacts
1-Rejection
The first thing is rejection. When your partner doesn't want to have sex with you, and you're the high libido partner, it's profoundly rejecting. It feels like you're not wanted or desirable because they are continually pushing you away. Rejection is one of the worst experiences a human can feel because it's communicating “I don't want you.”
2-Inadequacy
Number two is inadequacy. When you're the high libido partner in a sexless marriage the next thing you can feel is inadequate like there is something wrong with you. “Maybe I'm not handsome enough.” “Maybe I’m not beautiful enough.” Usually that's not the reason partners aren’t interested in sex. However, it can plant the seed of self-doubt. “Why don't they want me?” “There must be something wrong with me or else they would.”
3-Fear
A third thing that can happen when you're the high libido partner in a sexless marriage is fear. When you get rejected sexually, the last thing you want to do is initiate sex because you have been crushed so many times before. You've reached out for sex and your spouse has repeatedly said no. The pattern creates a tremendous amount of fear of initiating any type of sexual contact because you become preoccupied with getting rejected again. So, you stop initiating because it's too risky.
4-Detachment
The fourth thing that can happen when you're a high libido partner in a sexless marriage is you detach. Detachment can happen on two levels. First, it can happen on an emotional level, where you start walling yourself off, as a defense mechanism, because it's too painful to be vulnerable and get rejected. So perhaps you don't look at your partner as much, you don't share what’s going on in your life anymore, you don’t talk as much, and you try to be around them less. Second, you detach physically. You stop providing affection. The hugs, kisses, and snuggles go away. You start becoming an island within your marriage for safety, so you’re not continually hurt from the sexual rejection.
5- Distraction
A fifth thing that can happen is distraction. Being a high libido partner in a sexless marriage creates feelings of despair and hopelessness. Therefore, many throw themselves into an activity as a distraction. Some may become a workaholic, others may go overboard with hobbies, or others may lose themselves in tech. Distraction becomes a common coping mechanism to deal with the feelings of despair from being in a sexless marriage.
6-Desire
The sixth thing that can happen to a high libido partner in a sexless marriage is desire for others. Since sex for high libido partners is the core activity that makes them feel loved and is akin to physical hunger, going without it for an extended period of time can feel like an emergency. Therefore, susceptibility to outsourcing for sexual satisfaction through porn or people significantly increases. Similar to someone who is starving and will start looking through dumpsters to find anything to eat, high libido partners will feel temptation to start looking for sexual satisfaction anywhere they can get it. To clarify, being in a sexless marriage never justifies adultery. However, being in a sexless marriage certainly raises the temptation to outsource sexually but it’s still your choice if you do.
So, if you’re male with a high libido and think to yourself "I hate my wife," most likely it’s from a lack of sex because it leads to rejection, inadequacy, fear, detachment, distraction, and desire.
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16 comments
Very sorry to hear it Phil. No one wants to feel mistreated. A first step to consider is couples counseling or coaching to address the toxic pattern.
I have been married for 25 years and 9 months and I have knowen my wife Beverly for over 26 years and at first it was great and with time I found out I’m husband #5 when she told me I was #3 she was abused in all of her past areas and I have never hit her and never will the problem is she’s always in a bad mood as soon as she get’s up and a cup of coffee she ready to be a big jerk to me and if I had the money I would divorce her . I am a 100% disabled Navy veteran and have dealt with multiple sclerosis for 26 years and I get nothing from her but she will say she’s my care giver which is B.S. and like I said if I could get sixty thousand together I’d be a free man because it really get’s to me with the way she talks to me and how she treats me and if I try to talk about it she goes off and it’s a argument .. just tired of being tired and want and need a big change as soon as possible.
HI Alan, Sorry to hear of the years of turmoil in your marriage. Continual marital strain can be exhausting! Hope is alive if both partners are willing to look at their own growth areas and take steps to improve them.
Hello Dr. Fisher. I happened to stumble on your site and this article made me go looking for the “cameras” in my home. I am one of those folks that had a very high sex drive…unfortunately, I married a woman with severe BPD. For 34 years, my wife chose to make sex such a miserably horrible experience that I eventually started cheating…a lot! This left me with an even worse feeling that sex, women and relationships just…..suck! About 4 years back (married 38 years now) my wife had an event that essentially forced her to seek counseling, exposing all her tendencies over the years. She has made astonishing progress, to the point where she wanted to be the wife she should have been. This is where it became obvious that, on some subconscious level, I really do hate my wife!!! It took four months just to learn how to have sex with her, and even then, it is dicey as to whether or not it will be any fun at all…most often it is not. Is there any hope of finding something with this woman, because as far as I have seen in life (mine and others), sex, women and relationships just suck in reality!!!!!!
Hi Peter, very sorry to hear how hopeless you feel with your marriage. Step one is to bring up your hurt feelings with your partner without attacking them. If that falls on deaf ears, the next steps is seeing a couples counselor or coach together. If they refuse this or if they are still unwilling to make any changes after 3-6 months the next step is to get a separation. Hopefully, the separation will provide a wake up call to not take you for granted any longer and increase their motivation to work on the marriage.