What if I told you, it’s possible to build amazing emotional intimacy in your relationship in only six hours a week? Would you do it? You have six hours, even if you think you don’t. Think about how much time you spent on your phone, on Netflix, social media, the internet, just in the last week alone. You have the time, you’re just spending it elsewhere.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is feeling close and connected with your partner. It's feeling well known and understood by your spouse and knowing them well too.
Disclaimer: These strategies I'm going to share will only be effective if you’ve already worked through the resentments in your marriage because nothing goes well when you have active resentments. Go through my ER Marriage Intensive if you need help working through your resentments with professional support.
Step One For Emotional Intimacy: Go on a date once a week.
This date should be around three hours because you don’t want to feel rushed. If you have kids, try to do it during the work day while they're in school, if possible, so you don’t need a babysitter. Regardless of when, try to think about how you can make it happen. Don’t make excuses as to why you can’t do it or say you’re too busy. If you want your marriage to do well, you have to prioritize dating. Dating is what made you fall in love, what brought out the electricity, and dating can help you fall back in love.
There are four things every date needs to make it successful for both partners. The first thing is to nurture emotional intimacy with the head/heart check. Second, have a lot of affection, which is non sexual touching. Third thing is you want to do something recreational that you both find fun. Maybe go bowling, hiking, throw the frisbee, or go for a bike ride. Find four to six recreational activities that you both enjoy, and then alternate those for your dates. The fourth thing is something sensual, which might be a sensual massage, cuddling or a sensual bath. It’s not sexual, it’s sensual. It might turn sexual or it might not, but at least you’re having some romantic time.
Step Two For Emotional Intimacy: Have a marriage huddle once a week.
Think about football teams having huddles. Every offensive play there’s a huddle so everyone is on the same page of what play they’re going to run. Do you have a huddle with your partner? Do you have a once a week time together to get on the same page to foster teamwork? We also do this at work. There are regular meetings to create teamwork and to increase efficiency. Carve out an hour once a week to prioritize teamwork with your partner.
In the huddle, you will want to do four things. The first thing is to coordinate schedules for the upcoming week so you’re on the same page. Second, talk about any concerns you have about your life together. These are not concerns or frustrations about your partner, rather concerns about your life, such as what to do about your daughter who's on her phone too much. You may land differently on how to handle your concerns and when that happens, share power so you both have an equal voice by developing compromises. The third thing to do is ask your partner, “Do you have any resentments toward me?” If they say, “yes”, address it using my conflict resolution tool the Reunite Tool to clear the air. The fourth thing to do in the huddle is review your love buckets. The Love Buckets are the key to reversing loveless marriages. They include a list of fillers you need to feel loved, and drainers your partner does that make you feel negative toward them. The fillers fill up your love bucket, the drainers drain it down. The goal is to put more fillers into your partner’s bucket, and take less drainers out. If you do that long enough, eventually, your partner’s love bucket will get full and they will fall back in love with you.
Step Three For Emotional Intimacy: Have connecting rituals.
I recommend you do three connecting rituals four days a week for 30 minutes, totaling two hours. The first connecting ritual for emotional intimacy is called the Head/Heart check. This is where you and your partner take turns sharing your highs and your lows from the day. To prepare, you want to think about what you were feeling from the day; mad, sad, glad, or fear, and why. Then, you’re going to ask each other, “What’s been on your head and heart today?," and then you’re going to share. When you share, share your thoughts like a paper. Start with your emotional word first, such as, “Today I was anxious”, as the title of the paper, then share all the details of what made you feel that way, as the words of the paper. This type of sharing makes it easier for the listener to track your feelings and stay focused.
As the listening partner, do not try to fix or give any advice unless your partner asks you for it. Instead, all you can provide is empathy. “That sounds awful.....No wonder you feel sad....It makes sense you’re feeling anxious because of this.” Those are some empathy statements you should master. It’s important to realize that empathy is not about if you would feel the same way, rather, it’s about viewing the situation from your partner's vantage point based on their wiring, their history, and their needs. Once you do that, it will start to make sense to you why they feel certain things. To keep the Head/Heart check safe, you're not allowed to share anything negative about your partner either. Instead, talk about everything else in your life. This should only take about 10-15 minutes to keep it simple.
The next connecting ritual is called the Bullseye Question for better communication in marriage. For the Bullseye Question you’re going to take turns asking each other, “What’s one thing I did right today, and what’s one thing I could have done better?” When you get the feedback, you’re only allowed to say, “Thank you for the feedback.” You can’t justify, defend, or deflect. This creates safety for your partner to give constructive feedback and this becomes the only time constructive feedback is allowed to be given, which prevents blindsides. Then, take the feedback and mull it over and search for the kernel of truth over the next day. Then, you decide what adjustments you want to make, if any. The Bullseye Question only takes around 5 minutes.
Next comes Nuddle time. Nuddle means cuddling without your clothes on. However, Nuddle time is not sexual, even though you don’t have clothes on. A lot of couples rarely ever touch, and when they do, there’s expectation for intimacy. So having Nuddle time is powerful because it allows you to get closer with your partner physically, to feel one another, skin on skin, to build safety. It allows eroticism to be blended with emotional intimacy, without the focus being sexual. During Nuddle time, the focus needs to be on what are you feeling in the moment? Maybe you’re aware of how warm your partner’s stomach feels, or the smell of their hair. You’re simply going to talk about what you’re aware of in your senses to keep you in the here and now. This will only take around 10 minutes.
Summary About Emotional Intimacy
Those are three ways to build emotional intimacy in your marriage in only six hours a week. Number one, a once a week date. Number two, a once a week huddle. Number three, four days a week of connecting rituals.
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What else would you recommend to encourage emotional intimacy?