Do you tend to be defensive? You’re not alone. A lot of couples report, “No matter what I say, my partner gets defensive.” It’s a constant problem in relationships, but there are some solutions. Whether you struggle with defensiveness, or you’re married to someone who does, make sure to read this with your partner.
What is defensiveness?
Defensiveness is the tendency to never admit your wrong doing and instead blame your behavior on other things that weren't your fault.
4 Steps To Reduce Defensiveness
Step 1: Ask for feedback
If defensiveness is an issue in your relationship, ask for feedback. Part of the reason you get defensive is because you’re blindsided with a complaint, and part of the reason you’re blindsided is because you don’t regularly ask for constructive feedback. Therefore, your partner gets bottled up with frustrations then blindsides you with criticism. This is why I’ve created the Bullseye Question to improve your communication. The Bullseye Question is where you once a day ask your partner, “What’s one thing I did right today, and what’s one thing I could have done better?” Then, all you're allowed to say in response is "Thank you for the feedback." When you ask for feedback, you're coming from a position of power psychologically. Therefore, it feels less threatening to get the feedback because you're 'asking for it! You probably rarely, if ever, ask for feedback, and because you don’t ask, your partner gets fed up with your difficult behaviors, and then they blindside you with a complaint. Then you get defensive, then they feel invalidated, and now you're having a conflict. Therefore, If you want to reduce your defensiveness, start asking for feedback regularly because it feels less threatening to receive it. This will also give your partner hope. If they start feeling like they can give you feedback without you getting defensive, it’s going to make them feel safe to open up about how they’re feeling in the relationship.
Step 2: The rebuttal should be in your head.
As mentioned, when you receive constructive feedback during the Bullseye Question all you're allowed to say in response is, “Thank you for the feedback.” Inside of your head, however, you have three buckets to choose from. One bucket is the “fluke bucket," which means your partner’s feedback was completely out of your control and was all circumstantial. Now, if your partner gives you the same feedback over and over, you can’t keep putting it in the fluke bucket ethically. The second option inside your head is the "all me bucket." This means what your partner highlighted about you is a growth area you know you need to work on. The third option is to put the constructive feedback in the "partially me bucket." This means that part of the cause of your behavior was out of your control, part of it was your partner mis-interpreting your behavior because of their own triggers, but part of it was your fault. Therefore, when you get constructive feedback, you’re rebutting inside of your head. You’re mulling it over and looking for the kernel of truth and internally deciding what bucket to put the feedback into.
Now think about how small a kernel of popcorn is. That’s all you’re searching for. When you receive feedback you're thinking about which bucket to put it into because you don’t have to own it all. This is a major shift from the expectation that you must own all of the feedback, which leads to defensiveness because you don't. You don’t have to swallow everything your partner is saying about you. You do, however, have to figure out what the kernel of truth is. What blind spot are they highlighting? What growth area are they pointing out? Your partner is there to refine you, let them.
For the partner giving constructive feedback, you're only allowed to provide it during the Bullseye Question once a day and you also must ask for feedback so it goes both ways. If you're both doing this once a day, it becomes a beautiful process where you’re refining each other to become better versions of yourself.
This has been a growth area for my marriage because for many years my wife and I would take turns blindsiding each other, which led to a lot of defensiveness. When she would blindside me with a complaint, I would tell her all the reasons why it wasn't my fault and why it was actually her fault. I was really good at doing this, but ultimately, it got me nowhere. It created a lot of problems and I finally realized I needed a new strategy. That’s when I started developing the concept of the Bullseye Question. Once I started following it, I realized there was a kernel of truth in the majority of her feedback. I just had to think it through and critically evaluate myself.
Step 3: Figure out what you did wrong internally or externally.
This is part of the kernel of truth investigation. Reflect upon, “What was I thinking that could have been better and/or what did I do that could have been better?” What you were thinking is your mindset. What you were doing is your behavior. Some examples of things you may have been thinking that could have been better include false expectations or negative assumptions of your partner. Some examples of things you may have done that could have been better include an insensitive comment, a harsh tone, or an inconsiderate decision. Thinking about what you were thinking or doing that could have been better will help you identify the kernel of truth in your partner's feedback.
Step 4: Fill up your partner’s love bucket.
Learning to fill up your partner’s bucket will reverse your loveless marriage and reduce defensiveness. You fill up your partner's bucket by increasing behaviors that make them feel loved while reducing behaviors you have that they don't like. The longer you do this, the fuller their love bucket will become and the more grace they'll have toward your behavior because love promotes grace. As their grace increases, they'll have less complaints, which means less opportunity for you to become defensive. The opposite is also true. The lower their love buckets, the less grace they'll have toward your behavior, leading to more complaints. So, an essential step to reducing defensiveness is keeping your partner's love bucket full!
In summary, those are four steps to reduce defensiveness. Number one, ask for feedback. Number two, rebuttal in your head. Number three, reflect on the internal and external factors you can own. Number four, keep your partner's love bucket full.
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What else would you recommend to reduce defensiveness?